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The schedule for the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. highlights a playful bilingual performance and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is Friday's global football draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door event. Organizers likely want to avoid any unwanted guests from gaining entry at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-congratulatory spectacle where well-paid dignitaries will doubtlessly repeat the old platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Line-Up

This glitzy event is set to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum and diminutive American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will oversee a production that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last nearly three grueling hours, the event will feature a staggering playlist of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, approved jokes, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Duty

Included in those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball star Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an uniformed security team crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are justified when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and six more due to join, there will be a real air of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will face in the initial phase, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering commitment and special actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the US, guesses about the recipient are widespread, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a coach whose side in the midst of a five-match winless run, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should changes occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"